Wicked Blow To The Ego

Anyone else having a midlife crisis since the release of Wicked?

I’m sorry - let me rephrase. Is anyone else holding space for a midlife crisis that was triggered by the release of Wicked?

I love musicals, and I always dreamed that I’d make a living performing in them. I figured that my hard work and grit would separate me from the pack, and that I’d end up on a Broadway stage. Or on television. Or in blockbuster movies. Well, it didn’t work out that way. I ended up working corporate and odd jobs to pay my bills, and utilizing my free time to write, act, and produce independent projects. All this is FINE, and I’m very proud of the projects I’ve created. But that dream of being in a Broadway show is still there, and it’s still unfulfilled. When I see young women excelling in show biz, I am happy for them but also a little sad. I feel like my calling was missed and that I failed somehow.

Usually I can tune out (ignore?) the disappointment and focus on my own creative trajectory, but this has been near impossible with the release of Wicked. 

I mean, the marketing for this movie has been EFFECTIVE. Everywhere I look is pink and green.  Every brand that’s ever existed has become a Wicked licensee and is releasing an Elphaba or Glinda-fied product. I think about Ariana Grande way too much, and I have opinions on Ethan Slater’s first marriage. 

My obsession with Wicked lives parallel to my disappointment that I did not star in it, or any other number of movies / tv shows / musicals that I would have liked to star in. 

It’s a weird, narcissistic thing to admit that I am disappointed that I’m not a star, but it’s honest. 

I realize other hard-working creatives have to contend with this same disappointment, that our creative paths have not panned out the way we dreamed they would. And I’m wondering if you other creatives out there are fighting off a midlife crisis just like I am. 

Because Wicked has become a trigger for this doubt and disappointment. Whenever an interview with Cynthia Erivo and / or Ariana Grande shows up on my feed (which is often), the same sad questions pop into my head: Am I too old to achieve my dreams? Should I have worked harder to achieve them? Should I just sign up for AARP right now? The answer to all of these questions? Yes. (Just kidding.)

After the sad questions come the egotistical declarations: I should have been the one to dress in pink and float in a bubble. I should have been the one to sing coloratura notes in Munchkinland. I should have been the one to break up Ethan Slater’s marriage. (Just kidding.)

The disappointment I have is not a pretty thing. It’s not something to be proud of, but I’m realizing it’s not something to be ashamed of, either. It just is. And now that I’ve owned up to this feeling, I’ve begun to learn how to deal with it. I’ve figured out that when I spiral, I have to take a step back and stop the Wicked doom scrolling. I have to look at the projects I have created and feel proud of them. I have to make the time to nurture the skillsets I so desperately miss, like acting and singing, and give myself credit for nurturing them.  

And I have to remind myself that fame and success may not come to me by the world’s standards, but they can still come.

My spiritual teacher has a refreshing take on fame which I’ve adopted for myself: being famous means having a passion you develop, and having the courage to go out there and share it. And by putting yourself out there, you become famous. It may be fame with a handful of individuals, but hey, a following is a following. If people will leave the comfort of their homes to see you do your thing, that is being famous. 

And doing your thing may always be a grind: you may always struggle to find venues where you can perform, you may always have to fit your passion around a 9-5 work schedule, you may always be the one to produce your own work… it’s a schlep. But what in this life ISN’T a schlep? And maybe fame by the world’s standards isn’t as all it’s cracked up to be anyway. Just scroll through your instagram feed to see which famous person is being gossiped about now.

So my message to you other creatives out there staring down the barrel of a midlife crisis is this: let’s not go there. Do your thing. Be relentless at it because you love it, not because you need to be recognized. And perhaps most importantly grateful for what you have already achieved. 

In the words of Elphaba, “everyone deserves a chance to fly”, so don’t hold yourself down.